Something Old…

AN open letter to my “What If”

As my vac drew to a close I realised that another chapter of my life was also nearing its end. As I reflected on the events of the past month I felt a slight disappointment at the way I handled a lot of things. No, scratch that, more than a slight disappointment – more like a tragic sense of failure. Failure by people in my life to do and say what I needed, and failure by me to voice my opinions and show my true feelings concerning matters that cut very deep. Many times in our lives we are faced with situations that require us to look into ourselves and in a split second, make a life altering decision and a lot of us falter under such pressure and make the wrong or less correct choice.

When I think about the chances I had to stand up for someone I love dearly and I kept quiet, I hang my head in shame and frustration because I know they would have done it for me. So I typed out an e-mail to one of the parties and told them exactly what I thought and an argument ensued but I had a guilt-free conscience and I felt like I had made a difference in the world of someone I cared about by planting doubt in another’s head and such doubt meant the benefit of that doubt would result and perhaps heal a few wounds.

So now that you know where this is coming from…

Dear What If

When I first fell for you I was not sure where it would lead. A lot of the circumstances pointed in the direction of epic failure yet here we are now, still in each others lives. Still poking fun at the other’s misfortunes and laughing at others. Hating when it’s necessary and reassuring each other when reassurance is needed. In my head this would be as easy as the stuff you see in movies, but we all know life has an uncanny way of throwing you curveball after curveball when you have laid out your best plans. When it comes to love and life, the concept of pain and disappointment being ever present are acknowledged. The understanding and not shedding tears when we reach speed bumps in our journeys is however, elusive.

I always imagined how this would play out and in my daydreams, I would walk away with a smile on my face and a promise in my hand that one day this would be concrete. In reality I’m walking away happy but not as happy as I could be. So I have decided to let this chapter of my life end mid air. I don’t want to write its ending because its not over. I believe in the fact that when something is meant to happen, it will happen eventually. If not, tough shit (excuse my French). You walk away with life lessons and memories. I will finish this chapter when the ending arrives. I’m not closing the door on this part of my life and one day, you’ll walk through this open door and be who you were always meant to be t me – whoever that may be. Perhaps you won’t be who I want you to be but your presence will be much appreciated.

Maybe I’ll forever wonder what if (insert fantasy situation here) or maybe I won’t. Until then I’ll live my life comparing every potential to you and feeling nostalgic when someone does or says something that reminds me of you. I promise to never ever keep my mouth shut about my thoughts again and perchance, when the epilogue of this chapter of my life gets here I will have mastered the art of not holding back and I will have mustered the strength to tell all this to your face and not post my emotions of Facebook…sigh…how I long for such a time.

peace, love and a heater on this cold night

The Empress

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